“Why don’t you just adopt?” – Questions asked of surrogacy patients

So often on the path to surrogacy, well-meaning people ask “Why don’t you just adopt?” This question, while well intentioned, shows a certain naivety about the process of adoption including the incredible challenges, costs and complexity.

Medicareless interviewed Arielle, a mother from surrogacy, who first looked into adoption carefully before going down the surrogacy path. Here is her story.

Arielle’s beautiful sons from surrogacy in India

What medical reason do you have for needing to look into adoption or surrogacy?

We started to try to fall pregnant in 2005 and expected the ‘happy accident’ to occur naturally. The years passed and we realised something was wrong so we saw a fertility specialist who announced that we were ‘infertile’ simply because after a year of trying, at my age (32), we should have been pregnant already.

Did you try to fall pregnant yourself? What happened?

We started the IVF journey not longer after this bombshell was dropped on us. And then we tried and tried again for the next 6 years. We were never given a reason for it not working, I just simply couldn’t get past the 2 week mark after each transfer. And with every attempt came the devastating realisation that we were not successful and that with time ticking away things would only get harder. I suffered so much pain and grief during this time. So much soul-destroying confusion and despondence. People kept telling me to be positive and keep trying. And somehow, after each round of IVF and the grief that followed, I always got back on the horse and tried again. Physically, psychologically, spiritually – I was crushed. Adoption was always in the back of my mind as a road we’d go down when the time was right, but as you are not ‘allowed’ to be undergoing IVF when applying for adoption, I needed to wait until I was ready to stop trying to have my own baby. This is in itself was a huge step to take – to let go of falling pregnant, experiencing motherhood in the ‘normal’ way, and seeing a child grow up that came from within me and looked like me.

When did you first think of looking at adopting?

It certainly wasn’t when people – who knew our pain – would flippantly remark “Why don’t you JUST adopt”! This started happening in the first year of our IVF journey and it was simply insulting. Even after 6 years of IVF I wasn’t quite ready to look into adoption. I still had some hope of carrying our child and -not even realising just how hard it would be -adoption still felt like a very hard ‘other’ road to travel.

What was it that attracted you to adoption?

After all that we’d been through in the better part of the last decade, we decided that adoption would be a better option than putting ourselves through more tortuous rounds of IVF. I thought logically that if we followed the steps given to us to adopt, did the courses, reading, interviews etc we’d end up with a child or children within a few years and finally have the family we yearned for. We also felt that it would be a wonderful thing to bring a needy child or sibling group into a loving family. We had so much love to give and so many years of parenting that had been preparing for – we felt so ready to adopt after 7 years of failing to start a family the natural or IVF way.

Describe the adoption process.

We first had to wait for the introductory seminars to proceed. That was the first chapter of waiting. So we decided – ok let’s adopt! And then found out it was 4 months until the first seminar was to be held. We waited patiently. We attended the seminar with open eyes, ears and hearts and met many other hopeful ‘intending parents’. The coordinators were very empathetic but warned us that the adoption route could be extremely challenging and that only a small percentage of people would get to the finish line, mainly because of the time and commitment it took to go through the process. We did not yet have an inkling that the challenges would mostly be due to the small number of children that are placed in Australian families (from overseas). We were advised to choose overseas adoption as Australian children are mostly fostered into known families. And we were only able to select one country to adopt from. We were told that this country may change it’s relationship with Australia at any point and close the adoption program. So to keep reading up on current laws and changes in case it affected our chosen country’s program.

We then proceeded with the interview process. This went on for a year and cost over $10K. We would rush out from work to meet with the social worker who would investigate everything about us and our lives and intentions for the adopted child. We were told to be prepared to move house, learn a new language, attend picnics with other adoption families, travel to and from the child’s country of origin and blend aspects of their culture with ours. We had to be prepared to be open with the child about their origins when the time was right. We understood why they asked of us these commitments…and we were more than willing to compromise in every way we could if it meant we could have a child of our own.

We also had to learn about an excruciating check-list of ailments, ‘defects’ and historical matters (such as incest, addiction, abuse) to let the program managers know that we were prepared to live an adopted child that could have any number of debilitating illnesses, deformities or social impairments. We were told that the less boxes ticked the less chance we’d have of being matched with a child, so we ticked them all.

Around that time we also had to give up notions of adopting a baby. At our age (38 by then) our best chances lay in putting our names down for older children (4+) who were more likely to have had a background of abuse or neglect. So we ticked away, hoping for a small miracle,  and hoping that we’d be matched with a relatively healthy, and if possible, happy child. Unfortunately, we knew the chances of this were very slight. Still, we forged ahead, knowing that we would cope with no matter what or who came our way. We were by that point simply desperate to hold and love a child as our own.

So when did you start looking into surrogacy?
We were towards the end of the adoption interview process which had taken about a year and was already very costly both financially and in terms of time. Friends we’d met through the adoption seminars had already been to an Indian Surrogacy Clinic (that I’d also seen featured on the ABC’s Insight program earlier in the year, when surrogacy was still a strange concept that ‘other people’ did but certainly not us!) and within a couple of months after returning home – they had announced they were pregnant with their surrogate. I had been to India 12 year’s prior on a soul searching adventure and had a great affinity with the country and people. And although we were still a little freaked out by the concept of surrogacy, we began to normalise it via the hundreds of questions we asked of our friends plus some online forums and groups I joined. As the adoption interviews neared the end we found out that our country of choice had a wait list of about 1-2 years to GET ON the actual wait list for child placements (being only 10 or so placements per year from this country!) And THEN the long 3-6+ year would begin. Not only that, but we were advised to keep checking online for changes in the country’s adoption program as it could close or change at any time and that could impact us immediately. This could mean starting over with another country/program and certainly after a few years with our getting into our mid-40s we’d have to reapply anyway. So given these parameters, at the best of situations, we would be around 45 by the time we had waited the 6 or so years to adopt.

Adoption was, in a nutshell, a host of uncertainty and painstaking waiting whilst enduring daily pangs of childless grief, while we watched our friends come home with a baby via surrogacy. We began to think about hopping on a plane to India and giving surrogacy a go – our final throw of the dice (as it’s been called recently in a Radio National story!)

As we waited for our social worker to go to the loo during our final adoption interview – just before she announced that we were (in the eyes of DOCS) deemed ‘fit’ to be parents’ (!!) – we looked at one another and said “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” – and with a nod and smile we both just said the hushed word INDIA. Within months we were there…the lead up to going was so hectic – juggling work, surrogacy research, finances (the surrogacy was only possible by digging deep into our mortgage savings), visa applications, checking out legal implications and always managing our heavy hearts. At this point and after so much failure we didn’t seriously think surrogacy would work for us. We just needed to tick the box in order to tell ourselves that we’d tried EVERYTHING to achieve our dream to start a family.

On the way to India we decided that this was really it – one trip, one try and then a new journey: hit 40 and create a new enriching life without children. How we’d do that was still a mystery to me, but I knew that I didn’t have any puff left in me after this final – and at the time strange and scary – attempt at starting our family.

How did surrogacy work out for you?

Finally, we have the family we’ve always dreamed of and feel especially lucky to have been blessed with twin boys Leo and Noah who are now 6.5 months and thriving. We feel proud of ourselves for having undertaken the surrogacy route especially with all the strangeness and fears that it presented to us. In the end, we realise that by taking matters into our own hands this way and taking a few risks fulfilled on our dream to have a family in a much shorter time than adoption would have. Much as we would have loved to embrace a child from another country with our love and create a family this way, the Australian programs just make it seem so out of reach and near impossible to succeed. Surrogacy didn’t give us any guarantees as an option but it did work for us. We’ll forever be grateful for our surrogate and everyone involved who helped us to make this happen.

What would you say to people that say “Just adopt” or “Why don’t you just adopt”

Do some reading! And don’t think that a grieving mother or father-in-waiting is prepared or even able to give up on having their own child so easily. I would say to those with children – imagine if someone took your children away. How would you feel? Would you ‘just adopt’? As this is what it felt like to me – that someone robbed us of having our own children. Adoption was always going to be an option, but the spiritual crisis presented by not being able to have your own child is never going to be repaired by the concept of adopting.

Surrogacy Myths: The career woman too busy for a family

Is surrogacy a choice? Do women choose to allow another woman to carry their babies because they are too busy to do it themselves?

All too often when we start conversations about surrogacy, certain repeated themes come into the conversation. One of those themes is the idea that surrogacy is a choice. That it is something women may choose to do because they have a solid career and are ‘too busy’ to take the time to gestate their baby. Or they are ‘too old’ because they have ‘spent their lives working on their career’. In other words, people question: ‘why should we support you when you have made bad choices and are now paying the consequences for those choices?’

We heard this myth of the busy career woman in the interview last week with Dr Andrew Pesce, former head of the Australian Medical Association. While we were happy that he supported our cause for equal treatment under the Medicare laws when accessing IVF for surrogacy, we were saddened to hear him bring the ‘mythical career woman’ into the media interview.

Let’s consider this notion for a moment. Just who would this mythical woman be, that would prefer another woman to have her own baby for her? Let’s look at the case of Nicole Kidman as a prime example. Not only is Nicole potentially quite rich, famous and a very busy career woman, but she also used a surrogate to have her daughter Faith Margaret after giving birth to her first child Sunday Rose.

<Image from JustJared.com >

On the surface, Nicole Kidman could be this mythical woman. She could be the busy career woman/ celebrity who is ‘too posh to push’. The obvious question then is: Why did she keep trying so hard to have her own baby?

Kidman spoke to Who magazine about her depression, and repeated pregnancy failures:

“I had tried and failed and failed and failed. Not to be too detailed, but I’ve had an ectopic pregnancy, miscarriages and I’ve had fertility treatments. I’ve done all the stuff you can possibly do to try get pregnant.

Every woman who has been through all those ups and downs knows the depression that comes with it. So the way it just happened with Sunday was like, “What?” The percentages were so low. It is the miracle in my life.”

So if you scratch the surface just a little, any journalist worth their salt can see that there is very likely to be some underlying issues regarding WHY Nicole Kidman choose a surrogate to carry her precious second child into the world. In her own words, Kidman says in an interview with People magazine back in 2007:

“There’s a complicated background to that, given that I never speak much about many things. One day maybe that story will be told.”

Yet many persist in saying she represents this myth of a career woman who isn’t interested in carrying her own baby. We here at Medicareless believe that this example shows that celebrities can have infertility issues too. That just like the rest of the world, being rich or famous does not exempt you from being the 1 person in 6 that will suffer from infertility. In all likelihood, there is a very sound and MEDICAL justification for Nicole and Keith’s decision to use a gestational surrogate to carry their child.

The mythical career woman in Australia

To continue with this analysis – with maternity leave, the expanding right to flexible working arrangements to help modern families with implementations such as working from home or job sharing – what woman would feel the need to use a surrogate to aid her career progression? In fact, Australia topped a list of 128 countries by international consulting and management firm Booz & Company for women’s access to education, equal pay, childcare and anti-discrimination policies. Should the career woman want a baby, she can have it.

And as unfortunate as the facts are – the glass ceiling is alive and well in Australia. So the likelihood that a woman is actually in an extreme position of power that requires her to not take time off to have a baby is extraordinarily low. This shows that if this mythical ‘I can’t afford time to have my own baby’ woman does exist, she is ridiculously rare.

In fact in the Sydney Morning Herald, October 17, 2012, Helen Conway, the director of the federal government’s Equal Opportunity for Women in the Workplace Agency, said:

”In Australia, women hold just 14 per cent of board seats in Australian companies, just five CEOs of our top 200 companies are women and a quarter of our top 200 companies have no women on their boards at all.”

Ms Conway said more than 50 per cent of university graduates in Australia were women, but that had not translated to substantial increases in the percentage of women in corporate leadership positions. ”We are wasting our female talent,” Ms Conway said.

So this collectively imagined mythical woman, at the top of her career and totally focused on her position as CEO or CFO, unfortunately, is an incredible rarity and is not one we should be focusing on when discussing the very real, and very immediate needs of surrogacy patients wanting a family.  This rare case of a woman who is willingly “choosing” surrogacy should not be used as a political vehicle of manipulation to implement rules that deny the majority of genuine patients from medicare benefits.

So if it isn’t career, what are the real issues that require a woman to seek a surrogate to carry a child? We took an informal review from our small community and have made a list of the medical issues that have forced them to seek a surrogate to have a family. Note not one of them lists ‘my thrilling career’ as the reason for surrogacy.

All of these women deserve a chance to do IVF and receive equal treatment under the Medicare law when trying to have a family.

• Age 35 : Survived cancer twice. Now in remission and wants a family. No children.
• Age 36 : Severe fibrosis followed by multiple failed IVF cycles. Dr. confirmed that the patient would be unable to fall pregnant when she was 35. No children.
• Age 31: Emergency hysterectomy aged 26 as a result of eclampsia/organ failure/hemorrhage during childbirth. One child aged 4.
• Age 34: Severe post-partum hemorrhage and uterine inversion resulting in emergency hysterectomy at 34. Still 34 now with one six month old baby.
• Age 38: Rare blood clotting disorder that causes deep vein thrombosis when pregnant. 3 failed pregnancies, each resulting in massive clotting with risk of stroke, heart attack, death. Began trying for children at 29. Recently recommended for surrogacy after another failed pregnancy and blood clotting episode. No children.
• Age 40:  Autoimmune disorder, antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. This caused the death of two of three boys (pregnancies). Now has a mechanical mitral valve after 2 open heart surgeries and is on warfarin which is counter-indicated for pregnancy. One child aged 4.
• Age 34: Heart-double lung transplant recipient age 24 required due to developing pulmonary hypertension and right heart failure which resulted from a ventricle septal defect at birth. Risks of carrying a child include birth defects, very high risk of miscarriage, kidney failure, very pre-term delivery. No children.
• Age 30: Cardiomyopathy (heart failure). Patient is healthy on drug therapy but cannot carry a child as she will have a heart attack or stroke and most certainly will die. Additionally the drugs are also not compatible with a developing baby. 21yrs old at age of diagnoses. Have been trying a number of options to have a baby for the past 4 years. No children.
• Age 38. Heart transplant at age 26 due to a virus. No children but surrogate currently 9 weeks pregnant and all looking good for a birth due 26th November.
• Age 35: Born without uterus. MRKH syndrome. Diagnosed at 17. No children.
• Age 29: Hormone positive breast cancer at age of 26, had a mastectomy, did chemo, hercepton and radiotherapy. Cannot risk a pregnancy because of high chance of recurrence and on breast cancer medications that cause deformities when pregnant.
• Age 35: Marfan Syndrome. Open heart surgery at 32 to replace aortic valve and entire ascending aorta. Life long warfarin therapy which is counter-indicated for pregnancy. Twin boys now aged 3 yrs born through surrogacy at age 35 on 4th and final attempt.
• Age 27: Numerous clots. Clotting disorders- Antiphospholipid syndrome, prothrombin gene mutation g20210a and lupus. Age 16 when first diagnosed. No children.
• Age 35: Emergency hysterectomy at 35 during childbirth. Have 10yo and 3yo sons. Did IVF for 6 years to have 2nd son (genetic condition means only 1 out of 8 eggs are viable). “Our daughter is in heaven”.
• Age 30: Diagnosed with rare autoimmune disease (Takaysu’s Arteritis) at age 24. Waiting for open heart surgery and will be on medication that is counter-indicated for pregnancy. No children.
• Age 32: MRKH Syndrome born without a uterus. Diagnosed at 17yrs. First gestational surrogacy attempt at 30yrs resulting in 1 child (now 22mths), lost her twin. Second attempt lost baby at 17wks.
• Age 29: MRKH Syndrome diagnosed at 16 age. No children.
• Age 42: MRKH Syndrome diagnosed at age 6. Not only not a full kidney but no uterus, no fallopian tubes, no cervix but thankfully has ovaries so did IVF last year & have 6 embryos ‘on ice’.
• Age 27: Breast cancer, recurrence in lymph nodes when pregnant with son at 26 years old. The cancer was estrogen receptive, so doctors advised to not get pregnant again and that removal of the ovaries was a good idea to lower the estrogen to ensure no more recurrences. Full hysterectomy. One 8 month old child.

If you have been moved by this list, and feel that the Medicare laws that do not allow these women equal access to fertility rebates is unjust, please download and sign our petition before June 5. We welcome your support.

Alisa’s story – a cancer survivor who wants a family

In 2008, a week away from our 1st wedding anniversary I was thrown into a severe
round of chemo, radiation and brachytherapy. I was diagnosed with a very aggressive
and severe form of lung cancer that on very rare occasions attacks the cervix, which is what happened to me. I was given a 20% chance of survival regardless of my treatment, so it all looked pretty bleak.

<Image from: Journeying Beyond Cancer >

I managed to get through it with the help of family, friends and my wonderful
husband who made me laugh every day, I’m not sure how, but he did.

I don’t remember much of that time now, I did a lot of sleeping, crying and trying to
eat. I was determined not to lose too much weight as I’m quite slender to start with. I
guess you can say I was quite determined to stay alive. I still have everything intact,
but am unable to conceive or carry, which makes it very upsetting. For some reason
the choice to have my own family has been taken away from me. I am now 4 years in
remission. Right now we are looking very good. So I just want to get on with my life and that means following my dreams for a family.

Troy and I have wanted a family for years, even before we got married, but I wanted to be married first as I thought it was the right thing to do. We have nieces and nephews and so many friends with kids, and we just know that having a child will bring us so much joy.

So… after many years we are up to the surrogacy stage. Yes, it’s taken that long to get through the egg donation. We had a few offers from egg donations, but for one reason or another, they were not medically fit or time passed and we didn’t hear from them again and other ladies were helping someone else. And we’ve had a lot of stumbles too.

We eventually found a lovely lady and have 5 embryo’s freezing awaiting a surrogate.
The six month sterilization period will be up at the start of July, 2013.

We have been very fortunate to have had 3 surrogates offer, but for one reason or
another it hasn’t worked out. We are hopeful that someone out there will be able to
help.

At times we have been quite upset with the whole process to be honest and feel very lost and alone. It’s been extremely expensive so far, from taking intended egg donors and surrogates to the Dr’s – only to find that the lovely people who have offered are not “medically fit” to go ahead with, and the expense of traveling on many occasions. There’s no Medicare for any procedures so every time we start this process with someone new I am out of pocket again. And again. And Again. Still, we can’t let go of our dreams. We’ve come so far to get to this stage that we can’t just give up now.

We have also had a lot of trouble with the clinic we have been going to. Wanting
us to do things a certain way which doesn’t fit our situation, well to be frank, wouldn’t fit anyone’s situation. I won’t go into details. It’s caused a great deal of stress, but fortunately not on our relationship. The last couple of years have definitely brought us closer together.

We still have our eyes on the prize so to speak and know that we will eventually get
there. We are quite patient and know that an angel surrogate will help soon enough.

We have sooo much love to give it’s not funny. I think our cat is going slightly crazy from all the cuddles and attention it gets! Troy loves sports and I just know he can’t wait to have a child to go surfing or play football with, and I love baking and can’t wait to make special treats and birthday cakes for my much longed for child. We’ve got a big backyard planned for a pool and cubby house, and a lovely house we are slowly renovating and can’t wait for the day that we bring our newest member of the family home to share it with.

Our parents on the other hand are on another level!! They are already buying things! I’ve told them to slow down, but they are excited that we have the embryos and it’s only a matter of time and determination and we will find a surrogate.

Alisa

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If you would like to help Alisa as a surrogate, please get in contact with us via the Facebook page (linked at right). You can also support us by downloading the petition and collecting signatures – to help cancer survivors gain equal access to Medicare to have a family.

25 years on – reflections from Australia’s first surrogate

It’s been 25 years since Australia first got involved in surrogacy. We here at Medicareless love this interesting presentation from the very first woman who participated in IVF surrogacy in Australia.

In her blog Linda And The Star – Linda Kirkman say of the experience of gestating her niece:

“I overall derived great satisfaction and a sense of empowerment from being able to have a vision of something I wanted to achieve, and direct the system – in this case, the reproductive technology system, combined with overcoming legal and ethical hurdles – to achieve my goal. No, I’m not demure, and in the thrall of a dominant older sister. We worked together, with the aid of family and the wider community, to achieve a goal. In this presentation I write about privilege, human rights, and birth stories, and illustrate it with photos and artworks made by Bendigo artist, Iain Stewart. The presentation is available on academia.edu.”

We recommend you check out Linda’s great presentation and think about the future you would like to see in Australia. We know we would like to ensure that surrogacy in Australia is made more simple for those who find themselves in need of a surrogate, or who are generous enough to offer themselves to help the family dreams of others to come true.

Small Win – Medicare Rebates for ICSI

When I started working on this campaign I did quite a lot of research on the Medicare Rebates relating to IVF and surrogacy. During my research I noted that the Health Insurance (General Medical Services Table) Regulations 2011 excluded Medicare rebates for item numbers 13200-13221. In the Medicare Benefits Schedule these item numbers related to various IVF procedures.

What I also noticed that ICSI (the process of inserting the sperm directly into the egg) was item number 13251. As you can see not one of the item numbers excluded from the Medicare rebates. So I asked my fertility clinic if I could receive a receipt so I could claim my rebate. They denied me.

So I rang and wrote to Medicare asking for assistance. They initially advised that all IVF treatments used for surrogacy were excluded from the rebate. I pointed out to them that this is not what the law says. So they referred my concerns to the Department of Health and Aging.

I am pleased to say, that today I have received written advice from the Department saying that my understanding of the law is correct and that I am entitled to a rebate for ICSI.

If anyone else used ICSI for their embryo creation, I’d encourage you to ask your clinic to bill you separately for this treatment so you can claim your rebate from Medicare. If you have any issues I’d encourage you to print out this letter and show your clinic, or when you ring Medicare.

This is a great small win for us!

It also poses more questions. Why are all other IVF treatments excluded for Medicare rebates but this one is not? I think this just adds to our argument that we should be receiving the full rebates.

Don’t give up everyone, I feel a change just around the corner. 🙂

Letter from Dept Health & Aging

Response from Department of Health & Ageing

Today we received a promising response from the Department of Health and Ageing.

Firstly they “commended” us for the work we are doing to create awareness about the Medicare laws as they relate to surrogacy.

Secondly they reiterated that they are committed to medically necessary services to the public and are therefore actively considering the issues raised in the surrogacy paper. They have advised that I am welcome to contact them to see how this work is progressing and provided the contact Ms Mary Warner, Director of Medical Services.

I am so proud of this response and hope that they are sincere in their response.

Please continue the great work you are all doing in creating awareness about this issue, great joint effort.

Letter from Dept Health & Aging

Tracy’s Story

Let me just start this by saying that in no way does my story compare to the heartache that others in this blog have been through. My husband and I have been blessed with a gorgeous little boy. However, the current Medicare legislations are certainly putting an extra hurdle in the way of completing our family.

Tracy with her husband John and precious son Oliver

John and I met and married within a year and a half. We were in our early thirties and just knew it was right. We both had stable jobs, I was a primary school teacher and John was an engineer. We had the car, the house, the Labrador. The next thing to conquer was the kids! We were so excited to start a family together and hoped to have three children. I come from a small family and John’s family are all in Ireland so it was our plan to bring back the noisy house and big Christmases that I’d dreamed of. We fell pregnant very quickly. At our 10 week scan, we found that the heartbeat had stopped. We were devastated. But four months later, we found that we were pregnant again. I was anxious, but as the weeks rolled on I got more and more confident that this pregnancy was going to work. I was healthy throughout and we got busy preparing for our new addition. Oliver was born after a drug free natural labour on the 5th of November 2012. As the doctor placed him on my chest, I began to feel strange. I don’t remember much after that… Apparently, my uterus inverted causing a severe post partum haemorrhage. I required 13 units of blood in a transfusion and my blood pressure was so low that they were expecting brain damage or cardiac arrest! The only way to save my life was an emergency hysterectomy. My poor husband saw all this unfold and had to give the consent to perform the operation, something he’ll never come to terms with.

I remember waking up in the ICU after being on life support for a couple of days. I was so relieved to hear that my son was fine but was absolutely heartbroken to hear that I would not be able to carry any more children. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had never felt emotional pain like that before.

Tracy’s wishes she could give her son Oliver a sibling

Anyway, fast forward almost 4 months and I love being a mummy. I’m on maternity leave and enjoying every minute of it. Physically I have healed, however, I’m not ready to give up the dream of more children. I’ve looked into adoption and permanent care, however, there are so few children to be placed that our chances aren’t high. During my research I have found that finding a gestational carrier can happen to everyday families like us! At this stage, I’m unsure if this will occur in Australia or overseas. This is completely dependent on whether I can find a carrier here or not, but either way, I will be doing my IVF cycle on home soil. We have discussed the priorities for our family and have decided that another child is more important to us than a new car or material possessions. We will be using all of our savings to fund this and we are just hoping that the bank will allow us to take out another loan to cover the rest. If it doesn’t work the first time, I don’t think a second time will be an option. A child is our priority but if we can’t get more money, there is nothing we can do. I already feel ‘ripped off’ that I had to have a hysterectomy, but being charged extra for IVF services is like kicking us when we are down. All I can do is to hope that our actions here will persuade the powers that be to change the Medicare ruling and give us the chance to complete our family.

Tiffany’s Story

Well low and behold I got pregnant the very first month I tried. I remember being totally shocked. All was going well until I reached 7 weeks and started to bleed. I remember going to the hospital, laying in the ultrasound clinic and hearing the words that would haunt me forever “There is no heartbeat.” I can still fell the emotional pain that I felt being wheeled to a ward past the maternity unit and seeing all the mothers with their newborns.

We were told to go home, wait a couple of months and try again. Well we tried and tried for 2 years and nothing happened. Eventually after clomid, injectables and iui we jumped on the IVF roundabout. Again I was shocked when I got pregnant the first time. On my birthday I found out that I was having twins. I thought that God was giving me back the baby I lost plus one.

When I was 21 weeks pregnant I went into spontaneous labour and my precious twins Jacob and David were stillborn. My heart was broken but I was even more determined to try again. After 3 more IVF cycles we got pregnant again. This time we made it to 23weeks and our daughter Aimee was born and lived for 2 hours. After Aimees birth I the doctors could not control the bleeding. I haemorrhaged and needed most of the blood in my body replaced. I ended up having to have an emergency hysterectomy.

I thought that my dreams of being a mum were over. I went home from the hospital with empty arms and an even emptier heart. I struggled for 3 year. Seeing counsellors and taking anti-depressants. I could not let go of the idea of being a mum. It almost cost me my marriage. My husband was devastated by the deaths of our children and could not stand the thought of being hurt again, whereas with me it was all I could think about. I spent day and night scanning the internet trying to find an answer to our heartbreak.

I found a website that hooked potential surrogates up with perspective parents. I started talking to a woman named Janice. She agreed to help us. We flew to the other side of the country to meet with her. When we got there she told us that she wanted $10, 000 to be a surrogate for us. Besides the fact that it is illegal we also felt that it was immoral. We worried that if we payed her now she would come back later asking for more money. We flew home even more deflated than before.

We went into counselling and tried to resign ourselves to being childless. I decided to go back to university and get a teaching degree. Life plodded along, our dogs were our kids and we travelled overseas and did all the things that people say you can’t enjoy when you have kids. The problem was we didn’t really enjoy them; there was still a hole in our hearts.

In 2011 two of my cousins approached me. One wanted to donate eggs and one wanted to carry a baby for us. I was so scared, too scared to get excited. Even when my cousin Yvette called me and said she was pregnant I did not cry or show much emotion. All I could think is she will decide to keep the baby; I’m going to get hurt again.

Since Yvette lived interstate we did not get to go to all the appointments. She sent us lots of pic and again it felt like we were looking at someone else’s child. During all this time our biggest worry sadly was money. It cost us every bit of our savings to have this child and we were wondering if we would be able to provide her with the life that she deserved.

Finally the day came Yvette was scheduled for a c section as our daughter was breech. I went into the theatre with her. My husband waited outside. They pulled this screaming pink little thing out of her and my heart melted, but still I did not feel like she was mine. All I could think was please God don’t let her change her mind, I can’t live through any more grief.” They cleaned our daughter up and handed her to me. It was like an out of body experience. I felt like I was going to faint.

When my husband held our daughter who we named Jasmine Grace for the first time he broke down. He tells me now that he knew from the second that she was put in his arms that she was ours. The fact that she looks just like him helps too.

The day that we left hospital was a day of mixed emotions. I was so happy yet I knew that my cousin was hurting so badly and there was nothing I could do to take her pain away.

The first few weeks at home are a blur now. I sort of felt like I was babysitting. I took about a month to really bond with Jasmine. It wasn’t until the legals were underway that I totally felt like her mum.

Jasmine is now a year old and she is my whole world. I would go through the last 15 years again in a heartbeat to get her. Thanks to Facebook my cousins can see her whenever they want and we have been to Adelaide to see them twice in the last year.
I’m not going to lie and say that our surrogacy journey has been easy. For one thing it looks like we will probably have to sell our house to pay off the debts we incurred during this process and the actual pregnancy was a rollercoaster of emotions, but if people ask me if I would do it again my answer is always the same “Hell yes “.

Holly’s Story

Holly & Ash

At age 14 i was diagnosed with a severe mullerian anomaly with a unicornuate uterus and severe endometriosis. The endometriosis drowned my fallopian tubes and one ovary. What i was left with was half a uterus, one ovary that was not connected, one kidney and no cervix. At 14 years old this was devastating. At 18 I met Ash (23), he was beautifiul, kind and supportive. Like any normal couple our age we had a normal lifestyle, normal paying jobs and a house loan but there was just one thing missing, a child. 6 operations later the news I received was heart breaking ” I’m so sorry Holly, there is nothing more we can do” Surrogacy was our only option. I spent months resaeaching how to go about it and what to do. My gorgeous mum was the first person to offer, it was like a dream come true. Sadly Mum was diagnosed with hormone related cancer and was no longer able to carry our baby. Six months later a wonderful woman offered to carry my baby. The words estatic and overjoyed don’t even come close to what we were feeling! However those feeling didn’t last long when we were told that medicare wouldn’t cover us for IVF. We are looking at around $15,000 – $20,000. As a normal young couple this just seemed out of reach. Medicare cover everyone else for IVF but will not cover us. Not only do we have $15-20,000 for IVF but we also have another $20,000 + for other surrogacy involved costs. It is my understanding that when Medicare made this decision surrogacy was illegal, now that surrogace IS legal here in Australia the outdated laws need to change. So over all i feel discriminated against and think this is greatly unfair. Please change the law so that us and couples like us can be blessed with a family

Negative

For those not familiar with the pain of a negative result after an embryo transfer to a surrogate – you may wish to read this.

Our Surrogacy Story

So today we got the news that our first little embryo did not make it. Chloe is not pregnant; there will be no baby in 9 months.

This is going to be a self-pity post, so if you don’t want to hear it, close the post now. I make no apologies for this post. I said from the outset of my blog that this would be an honest diary of the process and my feelings. I don’t expect anyone’s sympathy from this post. I just want to record my feelings of right now and also make others aware of the shit we go through in this process.

I will also say up front, that it goes without saying, yes it’s not the end of the world, I’m not dying and I already have one beautiful girl. Yes I am blessed and I know it. Yes I am better off than…

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